Funerals & Funeral Directors
Many relatives ask us about assistance in funeral arrangements especially when a death has been unexpected and the family are left in utter shock and denial, or in a stage of confusion and anger. Many patients request that their bodies be donated to medical schools or they ask for cremation, to the dismay of their families.
It is of utmost importance that we – the living and healthy – make our wishes known to our families (and lawyers) and that we all have a last will prepared before illness or death occurs. In this manner the family can calmly express their views and objections at a time when we are not emotionally upset. We all should choose a funeral home ahead of time and – if we should so desire – join a memorial society which can assist us at the time of need.
Donations of organs have to be done immediately after death occurs and the family should have the necessary information as to whom to notify in the case of sudden death, in order to gratify the wishes of the deceased.
When all this information has to be collected at the time of death it is often too time-consuming and compromise solutions result which are often disappointing and quite costly to the family.
Do you feel that the American ritual of viewing the deceased and elaborate funerals, etc., is destructive?
I think people should express their own wishes in regard to funerals. Unfortunately there are many social pressures which often require all too often elaborate and expensive funerals and are really unnecessary. We have to understand that funerals are meant to gratify the needs of the family and the relatives and not the deceased. My personal belief is that the viewing of the body is only necessary if the family has not been prepared for the death of their relative, as in the case of a sudden unexpected death. In this circumstance it is important that the family can view the body before the funeral in order to face the reality of the beloved one’s death. Otherwise, if there has been a prolonged illness, I regard the viewing of the body an unnecessary ritual. I also believe personally in very simple funerals with a closed casket and brief meeting with the family and relatives which gives them an opportunity to talk together about the deceased, to share memories and a meal together. I think that the elaborate expensive display of an open casket with all the makeup in the slumber room enforces the belief that the person is only asleep and in my personal opinion would only help to prolong the stage of denial.
What do you think about funerals? Do you believe they prolong agony or result in acceptance?
I believe a simple ritual is necessary to publicly and openly face the reality of the death; to be together once more and to share memories together. But the elaborate unnecessary ritual with all its commercial aspects not only prolongs the agony of the family, but adds further expensive costs to the already horrendous expenses that the family often has had to endure during a long illness.
My family and I are funeral directors. We’re generally close to those we serve, and especially with children we try to take extra time to talk and listen. What counseling advice would you have for us?
Funeral directors have often misused the family’s feelings of guilt and unfinished business in order to commercialize their products and to have greater profits in their business. This part of the funeral business I intensely dislike. There are funeral directors who are not exclusively commercially oriented and who truly care for the families of the people they serve. I find it very sad that we have to have such elaborate and expensive funerals which serve no purpose except, perhaps, to alleviate some guilt feelings on the part of the family. I think if funeral directors would listen to the needs of the families, also the financial needs and requests for simplicity, they could help tremendously and they would have a much better reputation. Also, funeral homes should be open for visits by young people, church groups, and high school children-to help them consider death as a part of life.
